dream vacation

Do you ever find yourself in the need to just take a moment and breath? Do you find yourself exhausted from everything that is happening that you need a timeout from everyone...including yourself? That's where I have been the last few weeks. I have been exhausted mentally, emotionally and very much physically the last few weeks with letargic issues (u see...i travelled almost every week to kuala kangsar just to see my beloved son, Aqil... and trying to fight to get back into the normal mode. It has taken it's toll on me.

But then next week hubby n i will start up to pack our things again for the next trip on the row to Baling, Kedah just to spare some motivation n spirit to our beloved daughter, Hannah..she will be sitting for her PMR . let me tell u a bit about her ...Hannah is the type of whenever she takes examination, I feel the pressure as well because she always takes examination seriously. Whether it is just a trial examination in school, or just a simple test.. she used to wake up at mid-night, still thinking that she had not studied enough and finished covering all the syllabus for a coming examination! Looking at the way she studies and practises, the pressure imposes on herself seems to be contagious and passes onto me! I am waiting for the examination to finally over for her....jahat mommy ni ...

On the other hand, Aqil is a very relaxing person and he does not seem to worry about examinations that much! In the same way, because of his attitude towards examination, in return we do not feel the pressure that much. Only me the garang mommy pushes him to the limit to study more and grumbles on him for being too relax, it is such a strong contrast to Hannah.


Examinations were night mares to me for this many years ago. Even when I was still in school and started to work , the dark shadow of examination haunted me for years. In this respect, I admire Aqil, and he could sleep equally well with or without examination!


Back to topic heay..VACATION I need a vacation! A vacation were I feel NO pain, have no worries, no decision making. Where I can just relax, have a good time, jump in the ocean without pain. Watch the sunset over the blue ocean. Walk hand in hand with my husband and keep up with his strides. Have fruity drinks with small umbrellas in them and just forget what has been a hell of 8 yrs. I'm sure most people would love that kind of vacation. I just wish for a calm in the storm. A hope that the hell is almost over and things will start to look better.

I would love just a day or two without being in pain while walking, sitting, laying, or doing anything. I just want to go back to 8 yrs ago and change everything. but then, I wouldn't be who I am today. Someone who accepts the physical limitations,(but doesn't enjoy them) someone who is hopeful for the future and all the secrets it can bring. I wish I could see myself 8 yrs ago and tell myself to fight because it is worth the stress, fear and frustrations. Tell myself it will be okay and and there is an end to it,,,. it may take awhile but there is and end and we are just in the middle.