betrayal

There is 'no worst kind of betrayal'. Betrayal is betrayal. Betrayal which ever way one looks at it, is no fun and recovering from it is no picnic. I would hazard a guess and say that most of us, if not all, have experienced betrayal in some form or other during our life time.

No matter how one experiences betrayal, it will change your view of and feelings for, the betrayer. It doesn't matter whether it's husband, wife, girlfriend, boyfriend or friend, that's the reality. Relationships with spouses, lovers and friends are based on trust and the breaking of trust can have devastating effects. Betrayal affects the mind, heart and spirit.

Betrayal involves a sense of loss and so it follows, there will be pain, anger and grief. That's the bad news. The good news is that we can survive betrayal. It's not totally impossible for a relationship after betrayal to be healed even though the violation of trust is so painful mentally and in most cases, physically too. Some relationships survive the betrayal, others no matter how hard the parties involved try, do not.

I have (had) a friend, a very good friend...we knew since we were back then in BBGS. We had been through a great deal together. She is not everyone's cup of tea and I was warned by numerous people that if ever anything went wrong, she'd eat me alive. I chose to ignore all those warnings. I knew how she could be and yes, she was a little rough around the edges but my reasoning was that I saw a different side of her - the gentler side, the caring side - or so I thought. I'm normally a good judge of character and rightly or wrongly, have always tended to make a decision about someone the first time I meet them. But we can all become distracted or sucked in and decide that we were wrong about that person - especially in the event that he/she seems to be much nicer than you originally thought. Well the burning news is that the first decision you make (in my case anyway) always turns out to be the right one and if in the meantime, you did allow that person into your life, the results after a run in can be devastating.

Around somewhere this year something happened involving a close member of our friend. Because of its serious nature and the people involved, it inevitably blew up into a just a small scandal....not the intimate scandal...girls only. Because I have legitimate access to certain information I knew about it before it hit the ground. I did not discuss it with anyone. My friend was not aware of anything until the news broke.... I bet someone out there would have agreed with me that i really am a secret keeper....not the keypochi one...Bloody hell u friend...She then became furious with me because she knew that I would have known of the situation and her thinking was that as we were friends, I should have given her the heads up. She was not interested in my reasoning that what came to me was confidential and even as a friend, I would not disclose what I knew....i am an aquarian ...i keep other peoples secret as it is...

It did not stop there. As a result of her anger with me and in a bid to cover her own involvement in her own scandal, dah lah her own scandal...over la betina ni... she proceeded to spread lies about me, to assassinate my character and worst of all spread the rumour amongst my BBGSian friends and FB friends that I was the one who ensured that the news broke. Nothing could have been further from the truth. People who have known me for years began nothing to believe her ... Whilst keeping a brave face throughout the weeks that followed I was very angry, hurt and the toll was illness. I had been betrayed. Not betrayed in the sense that she had divulged some great secret I had shared but betrayed in the sense that she had stabbed me in the back. A normal reaction to betrayal is to want to retaliate. That doesn't solve anything. It only lengthens the time it takes to heal. 'An eye for an eye........' is definitely a bad idea!

It has taken me most of the month to come to terms with what happened. At the beginning I was very angry with myself that I went against my better judgement and first instinct which was not to allow her into my life. Oh I really beat myself up over that one and became very tired of the 'I told you so'. I hurt, but i never cry larrr...sound stupid kan but I grieved.. Then one morning I woke up and told myself that I was using up energy on something that I could not do anything about. So in my mind, I forgave her. I prayed for her and I forgave her. I forgave the lies and the betrayal of the friendship. That does not mean that I will ever interact with her again. I won't. But that's my decision and the path I choose to take. That path is not for everyone.

When we are grieving we become distracted. We may not look after ourselves properly. We can become so tired that we don't even know what day it is. It can seem that we are on auto pilot. We get through each day because we have to, trying to ignore the empty hole in the pit of our stomach and the nausea that can come with the emptiness. Emotional tiredness is the worst kind of tiredness - no one other than yourself suffers.

After a betrayal one has to decide whether or not it is possible to salvage the relationship. All parties have to know up front that the likelihood of the relationship ever being the same as before, is highly improbable but that doesn't mean it can't be worked through. For a start, the betrayed may find it hard to feel safe again, to trust again and even show love again and it is then up to the betrayer to put their best foot forward and do all in their power to make the other party feel comfortable once again. HEALING takes time, working through broken relationships takes time. Counselling may be of help to those who wish to forgive and move on but have come up against a stumbling block. (i am not gonna waste money on shrink bill of course!!! might as well i just let it go and do a one or two hour call to my best buddy Rozy...as usual)

Whether we stay together or part the most important thing in the healing process is the ability to forgive. Never easy but an essential ingredient if we are to live the rest of out lives without bitterness.