Everyday is my lazy day

Beautiful days, warm sun soaked days filled with endless lazy hours. There lies my problem, lazy hours. I’m quite good at being lazy n not being lazy. Two beautiful choices. Sometimes I hate waking up without plans, nothing in the diary.

It’s driving me crazy, people may say I am mad and I should just enjoy the break, but it’s like being on holiday at home. There is only so much you can do to amuse yourself. My home is a bit tidy, washing is done three time a week. Shopping fetched every alternate day.

It’s been a long time since I have felt like this. For the last 16 years my life has been a constant whirlwind being a mom filled my days. Of course I’m still a mom but losing the role of career has left me empty. No hospital appointments, medicines to arrange, feeds to manage. My kids are in the boarding school and are off to school, the days are mine. I should be happy; relishing the time I have to myself. Enjoying the slower pace of life.

I do not hate it, I’m exhausted yet I’m doing so little. I feel like my identity is slowly slipping away from me. There must be a woman underneath the roles I play. Where do I look for her?

I was twenty four years old when I became a mom. I have travelled far in my life and changed so much. I’m not sure an ounce of the old me is left to find, the party animal has disappeared. Not sure if she is the person I am searching for anyway.

I don’t want to go back to who I was; I want to find who I am.

I’m sure we all reach this part; we all come to a crossroads in life. We all have choices to make. My mind is filled with endless questions with no answers. I have my map but nowhere to travel to.

I pray for directions.