I am not very good at letting go. During my son's first weeks of MCKK prepschool last year, I hugged him and had to walk away as i sat crying in the car. Leaving him there to navigate on his own stretched my mommy muscles to a new breaking point.
No one ever prepares the hurt that accompanies sending your baby off to college.
As i stood in the darkness (its a daylight actually) of the parking lot outside Hannah’s dorm, I felt as if I could not breathe. Waves of grief overcame me. She hugged her Daddy. Next she hugged her brother. I stood, waiting for my turn, tears streaming down my cheeks. Finally she came to me. I held her for what seemed forever as we both wept…no words just tears. Finally, we spoke our last goodbyes. Everything in me wanted to run after her. I wanted to turn back time and take her home…just one more month with me. But I knew that was not possible.
It was time…time for her to journey into the next phase of Allah’s plan for her life…a plan I know is perfect…a plan I know is one planned by Allah since before time began…a plan to prosper and not to harm her…a plan to give her hope and a future.
But knowing those truths does not make saying goodbye hurt any less.
This time around sending Hannah I felt really sad. But I quickly came to terms that soon later how I have to handle my emotions that come along when 2 of my kiddos moving out of the house...As we drove home, the ache in my heart grew. The drive back from Baling to KD seemed like it took an eternity. But the drive helped me realize that my relationship with my daughter is not ending in any way, shape or form; it is just entering a new chapter....which actually started 3 years ago when she started her form 1 in the same MRSM...
Walking into the house brought waves of tears. It hurts so much. How do I walk this walk? How do I live each day knowing her bright, smiling face won’t be walking through the door every afternoon. How do I serve dinner every night with one less place setting? How do I go to Giant knowing she isn’t with me to check my shopping list? How do I watch the korean movie Heart Beat without her explaining to me? She is everywhere!!!
How will I walk this walk? The only way I know how…one step at a time…with my Allah guiding each and every step and with you, my sweet friends, whose prayers and words of encouragement have held me up. It is such a lonely feeling, yet you have helped me know I am not alone.
My dearest Hannah ... i will always love u till the end of my life ...
Let the sweet waves of loss wash over you for they will eventually give way to joy!
So, I will wait patiently for the Joy that always comes in the morning.
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